In this article, I’m going to roast the top 50 cryptocurrencies by Marketcap, but you should know these are meant to be lighthearted and somewhat educational, so please don’t rush to the comment section with strongly-worded comments about Cardano’s dexes or about an XRP clarification.
Without further ado, let’s dig into the roasts, starting with one that barely made it on the list.
Helium: The worst part about Helium is that to participate in the network you have to buy their proprietary hardware antenna, which was backordered for like a year.
Theta: Think Youtube, but decentralized, except nobody wants to use it.
Decentraland: Real estate prices just keep going up, so a bunch of devs made a virtual world you can overpay for virtual real estate too!
The Sandbox: the newest meme coin that people will invest in because it’s metaverse trendy.
UNUS SED LEO: I think I had a stroke trying to read this coin’s name—how did they even name this coin?
Gala: Gala is a gaming token aiming to help devs create blockchain games that people actually play. I can’t really roast this one because I do hope they succeed, but they’re on the list.
Klaytn: I looked up what Klaytn was, and the best summary I got was “they aim to bring blockchain technology to everyone.” Really? That’s exactly what I’m trying to do too, except I don’t need a $3 billion blockchain to do it!
IOTA: A centralized DAG coin, that have been saying they’ll switch to being decentralized for like the past 4 years.
Kusama: Why is a testing blockchain on this list?
Quant: Quant is just another chain on this list trying to connect a bunch of the other blockchains, but I never heard of it before creating this list.
eCash: I also hadn’t heard of eCash before doing research for this video, but it’s a copy and paste version of bitcoin with a few changes. The biggest change is they use proof of stake.
Klaytn: I did some reading on Klaytn and what I found was a bunch of sentences that sounded like my high-school resume describing my skills but using a bunch of filler words so you sound professional: “Klaytn makes use of a modular network that allows businesses to seamlessly interface, and most importantly, curate as well as operate their own service-oriented blockchain on the Klaytn architecture.” Someone seriously wrote that sentence, by the way.
Flow: Nobody’s really heard of flow, but their website looks like it was built by an actual marketing team. The video that loads on their homepage is two quotes away from being a motivational video.
AAVE: The best performing farm token to date.
The Graph: It’s called the “Google of Blockchains” but does anyone know how to actually use it other than technical developers?
EOS: If you go to the EOS website to learn how they work, you are instantly met with a ton of jargon that doesn’t actually explain anything. The non-joke part of this is that this is true for many different coins on this list.
PancakeSwap: Where people new to DeFi go to buy scams
Crypto.com Coin: Imagine creating an entire blockchain, hiring a full team of developers, a team of marketers, and then having something as tacky as .com in the name of your coin.
NEAR Protocol: NEAR is like that genius kid that nobody likes because they don’t have any social skills.
Monero: If we ever found out a way to see what went on behind the scenes of the Monero blockchain, we’d probably know the truth about Epstein.
Hedera: Just another ‘Ethereum killer’ with a cool name, move along now
Elrond: Yet another blockchain attempting to solve the scalability trilemma with nothing too unique.
Tezos: The blockchain that can alter itself, I know some people who would be offended by this.
Bitcoin BEP2: When you don’t know how to buy the real Bitcoin, so you buy a copy of it from a company that made their own blockchain.
Theta: They have like 3 different coins and tokens, and their tech is too complicated for regular people to use.
DAI: This is a cool version of USDC.
Fantom: Fantom is literally that one preppy girl in high school that needs her shoes to match her hat. Seriously, go look at all their dapps, they’re all ghost themed.
TRON: TRON is just another coin claiming to change the way we use the internet… nothing special about it
Ethereum Classic: The OG Ethereum that nobody uses because people wanted to return hacked money instead of standing up for true blockchain immutability. If you don’t know what this means, we changed the blockchain to undo a hack, and it kinda broke one of the reasons we like blockchain tech in the process.
Filecoin: I’m not saying there’s a bunch of illegal content on Filecoin, but I am saying if I wanted to store a bunch of illegal content without it being on my own computer, I’d probably use Filecoin.
FTX Token: Everyone’s got their own coin nowadays, it’s an easy money grab.
Axie Infinity: It’s not a scam. It’s not a pyramid scheme. It’s a game, I promise! That may have been sarcasm.
Internet Computer: Nobody really knows what this even is, they just popped up on Coinbase once.
Cosmos: Another coin called Terra was literally built with Cosmos, but Terra has 3 times the market cap, that’s just sad.
VeChain: A crypto created for big companies, but people still found a way to shill it in the retail market.
Stellar: The only time I have ever wanted to use Stellar is when I want to move money around quickly and cheaply. I’m not actually sure if this is a burn or not though.
Polygon: If Ethereum was a motorcycle, Polygon is an electric scooter. You want to look cool on a real one, but it’s just too expensive.
Algorand: We’ve all heard about it, but nobody knows what to use it for, not even the devs.
Bitcoin Cash: As if there aren’t already too many forks of Bitcoin.
BinanceUSD: Binance made their own dollar. That’s the joke.
Litecoin: The Great Value brand of Bitcoin
Wrapped Bitcoin: You know how most people use Vodka to drink, however it’s also useful to clean wounds… this is kinda what wrapped Bitcoin is.
Chainlink: Humans lie, so we made a blockchain that doesn’t. Unless we lie to it.
SHIBA: If you don’t understand how marketcap relates to token price, boy do I have the perfect investment for you!
Avalanche: They give away free money sometimes.
Uniswap: Where you pay $150 to swap your tokens.
Terra: Remember the rugpull of Iron Finance? Terra’s got nothing on them.
USDCoin: If you give Coinbase a dollar, they give you a USDC token. They’re like the trusted version of Tether.
Dogecoin: A cryptocurrency created by a guy who probably went to college with Elon Musk.
Polkadot: Polkadot’s that one member in your family that keeps trying to set up a family reunion.
XRP: If I didn’t want friends, I would tell people I bought XRP.
Solana: Imagine creating a world-class blockchain that hundreds of thousands of people are excited to use, and that the price is increasing at a crazy rate, and then suddenly it just stops working.
Tether: It’s like the US Dollar, they just keep printing more without backing it with anything. This one isn’t really a joke because there’s a lot of truth to it.
Cardano: If you take all the pictures of crypto-related Youtube thumbnails, merge them together, you actually get someone’s shocked face pointing at Cardano’s logo.
Binance Coin: This is the coin people buy to swap mooncoins and rugpulls, and notice that it’s almost at the top, by the way.
Ethereum: The single reason that I couldn’t buy an affordable GPU last year.
Bitcoin: A world-changing cryptocurrency created by someone who everyone assumes is dead, but might hold the world record for the longest and most valuable rug pull ever.
Also, I know there will be people commenting about why HEX isn’t on this list. Here’s the roast about it—HEX is supposedly the 3rd largest crypto by marketcap, but why isn’t it on any official lists?
Ending this article, I want to give a huge shoutout to PieChart PIrate who helped prepare the visuals for the video, he also helped with the summary video, and I’d love to continue working with him, so if you guys have any other ideas we can work on, leave them in the comments below!